Sonnet 5 (Repost)

I lost you a long time ago,
under branches, brick, and stronger wood.
I lost you and I already know,
that giving up is something I should.
I lost you beneath the fatal ocean,
the current initially too strong.
I lost you in the continual motion,
my fight for your hand didn’t last long.
I lost you in the heated blaze,
that took my heart with it too.
I lost you when you built your maze,
my compass unable to find you.
I lost you on a Sunday, when you lied and said I could rest.
I didn’t know I’d fail so heavily, and never pass your test.

Errors

I didn’t take the class.
Now, I’m stuck on the sidewalk –
lined up behind 200 more
who can’t formulate the expression-fueled feelings
they have for their best Friend.

Their Straight Best Friend.

I missed the class sign-up.
Initially on purpose –
believing my eyes would pass
over like my feelings, the more
I heard your voice dance around
my drums. With time, I imagined
annoyance to creep inside.
It didn’t.

This was error one.

Error Two was being okay with you
taking my oar of friendship, despite
my continual failures and idiocies.
It’s disgusting to lose yourself in your own
gross version of self-importance.
Why did you take me back?
I don’t do that now, and I wish I could map
the reason why your answer was my head in your hands.
Through care and not remorse.

Error Three was allowing myself to break.
To allow the dam around my heart
to crack under your nails and
let your paint swirl inside me
until all my heart sang of and splashed in was you.

Error Four was my silence.
The silence of a man who is too scared.
Too scared to be what a man is meant to be.
Instead, a man who hides himself under white sheets
like a house under the hands of movers.
A man who attributes his own misgivings and
misfortunes to the fact that his brain was just
Wired Wrong.

It would be safer to love another normally.
But that option has gone.

I am drowning in my errors, while you swim to the shore.
I didn’t take the class and I left the sidewalk.

I left it on purpose.